"Not So Perfect" ~ Day 3

Yipppeee! I found a like- minded community such as CCOR www.cocreatingourreality.com  to help me put my "Goals & intentions" behind my wish to express myself with a 100 day challenge to practice this discipline.  


I am SO thrilled and scared too to start my form of expression this week in the world of BLOGGERS. It's my first attempt at it AND it is also a personal challenge for me to overcome my fear & insecurity.  It's so wonderful to find a community that encourages each person to express ourselves in our chosen form and STAY WITH IT for 100 day challenge platform... i.e.  writing, video blogging, music, art, photography, dance, fitness, blog, journal etc... 


My chosen disciple is blogging...It's scary to put myself out there, to be vulnerble, raw and real about life and about myself. I hestitated and passed it up many times before deciding to "JUST DO IT!"  ( as Nike would say). Day 1 on this journey for me was July 7, 2011 and counting...


I am human to fear all the judgements of others!  My fear is NOT expressing myself. My fear IS exposing my "not so perfect English" in my writing (without an editor, that is). Even though I can say, I have written & published a real hardback book in 2003, I had professional editors and proof readers to ensure my professionalism in my perfect grammar before printing thousands of books. 


But, in today's real-time social media, like FB, Twitter and Bloggers, I don't have that luxury to have editors and proof readers standing by to correct my every post with perfect grammar to mask my insecurity.  


As a matured adult today,  I still hang on to a child's insecurity with my "not so perfect" grammar when I write & express myself each time I post a comment. ( I still do it anyway on FB but I still get that "Ugh" in my stomach with all the judgements out there among my friends & family when I do it!)  Whether it's real or not, it's real in my fear and in the pit of my stomach!


English is now my ONLY language I speak & write, but  I never quite mastered the English's past & future tenses and single & plural structures down quite properly.  
I have always been so ASHAMED of that, still today! :(


I had to learn English as a second language (ESL) starting in Middle School and washed away my native Vietnamese language. Wanting to "fit in" in my youth, my ESL barrier always kept me apart from my American friends as a "foreigner" as I tried to catch up with my new & adopted language. Some thought I was dumb in classes with my lack of understanding of the English language at that time. They tried to speak slowly or loudly to me with giggles attached to it. I masked my shame from 4th grade through college by studying twice as hard to feel smart inside!  Out in the real world, I had a Boss in Corporate America, who criticized my memos and reports with my "not so perfect" English. I've had even American relatives to make fun of my "not so perfect" grammar, still today. ( with or without mean-spirited intentions.)


I am human...It hurts and crushed my self-esteem and automaticlly put me back in time, in 4th grade all over again to feel that painful struggle to learn English. Even though, I am an adult now and I DO have  so much more confidence in myself ( thank goodness!!!), I still take it as "I am a dumb person" when I know intellectually, I am not a dumb person, at all! :)


So, there it is... my raw real-time insecurity & fear as a writer in blogging each day to you!  
I hope you will kindly over look any of my "not so perfect" English when I write in my blog. I hope you will only capture the essence of my inner thoughts and true meanings behind my writing that I want to convey. 


Just writing this blog today, has allowed me to accept who I am in this area and to embrace my own imperfection in my "not so perfect" English as a writer. Thank you for allowing me to share! 
Writing reveals, heals and forgives! Amazing.... I feel "lighter" now! :)

I hope in facing your own insecurity, please just taking it One Day At A Time and it's okay to Embrace your own imperfections as part of who you are and just Breath! ( it helps too).......... In & out, In & out! :) Have a fabulous weekend!


With Love & Light,
"Not So Perfect" Hai