During my Friday's lunch date with my husband today, I witnessed a very sweet, endearing act of unselfish love from two adult parents with their two little girls. Their daughters seem to be 4 and 7 years old. It was obvious that the parents were divorced but they had a nice lunch together as a family then walked outside to their separate cars. The little girls, happily waved to say " Bye Mommy!" and she said, "Have a good time!" as she walked toward her van by herself. The girls skipped happily to follow their Dad toward his sports car.
Now, why didn't that happened for my daughter when I was divorced? If more parents can be that way for our children, more divorced children would be more well-adjusted and happier kids, regardless of the parents, the adults, decisions to no longer be married or live together.
It triggers my sad memories of my own "exchange" to have my little girl to spend her time with me, as a single parent, on my weekends. It was SO BAD, that the other set of parents would have already prepped her to not want to go with me for a fun weekend. Instead, the agenda with my child would play out, as if she was going with a MONSTER, a criminal or an ax- murder, instead of going to the loving arms of her own Mother. It got so bad, that on some weekends, I had to prey my child's embrace away from the Step Mom in order to get my own little girl in my car while my Ex stood by, playing the manipulator, enjoying every minute of the manipulations among women and child. It was sickening! My stomach still feels all those anguished moments right now. UGH!
Today's observation stirred up one of the SADDEST parts of my life, and the tough journey I took, and still must take to learn more lessons of being a Mother to my beautiful daughter.
Not to rehash the past, but I am still living with that awful divorce and the effects it had on my child. She has been so manipulated that she continues to be confused, still today. Not knowing what to believe in her parents, she carries hatred for both parents, instead of any of the comforts that come with having loving parents. :(
As Step Mom #1 has now moved on (ex's 2nd marriage ended in divorce), Step Mom #2 has stepped in. And I have step aside.
Since I've learned from the first around of the games, I choose not to continue to participate in the tug-of-war. It is the hardest LOVE I've ever had to do...TO LET GO of my daughter until she is older, until she understands more and has her own clear thoughts to know, who her Mom is ! But, more importantly, no matter what her life circumstances are or will be, she will ALWAYS have a Mom who loves her very much!~ but only in her own time, and not on my timeline!
I am taking that risk everyday with my daughter that she might never know who her mom truly is. It is the RISK I am taking to LOVE her the best way I know how right now! It's not the easiest, but it's the only right path for me from my heart. Only God & Time can help as she grows up to have her own mind, her own thoughts and her own consciousness. I pray she will find her peaceful place between her parents.
My reward has been few and in between for many years, but as of lately, my teenager daughter has been requesting to be with me, her Mom, on her own free will. :)
I am grateful and I love being with her whenever she wants to be with me, without any expectations from me. Meanwhile, I still live my adult life, fully, healthily, and happily when she is not here.
I will never stop being her Mom, nor will she ever cease being my daughter.
Everything else in between is just life!
Divorce has become a way of life, more as the "NORM" for our society than not!
I am one of them to contribute into the sad statistics of a divorced family. I personally have lived through my own bitter experiences, like so many you, as parents out there. (As I write about it today, I am still at a loss for words, with many feeling about this journey~ (Forgive me if I sound disjointed in writing this)
I sure don't have all the answers! I am still seeking my own answers! But I do want to share some encouraging words with you. At this junction in my life of carrying a badge of being a divorced parent for 13 years, this is what I believe...
We, as parents must live a happy, healthy life of our own, and in some cases, move on for our own children's sake, in order for THEM to move on! Your children or your ex partner(s) cannot control you unless you are willing to give them that power. Live your own journey without guilt or manipulation, and keep your heart wide open!
Only you can carry on with your own journey, as life does go on...
No more, if only this or that, if only I knew more, try harder, be better or be different. As parents and as an individual, you did the best you could, given where you were and what you knew ( with information too ) to make YOUR best decisions for you and your children. End of that story!
It's only just a story. Now, go make new ones!
Children, young or old in any divorce situation deal with it differently, and mature out of it at different ages. We, as parents must keep our faith and unyielding love available for our child(ren), no matter how long it takes to help them know that you love them! They must love themselves too and accept their family circumstances and that should NOT stop them from having a happy & healthy life for themselves!
Life goes on...
Have FAITH & LOVE with TIME to heal all wounds.
With Love & Light,
Hai
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